While I’m currently sharing the quality time I spent in Malawi, I thought it would be nice to update you about my current situation.
I understand it can be confusing not posting in real time but this was a strategy for safety reasons.
Anyway, I’ve entered Namibia since a month now and I had to face three bad and violent situations in two weeks time (detailed in the last posts).
Since then, I try my best to get over it but it’s incredible tough. These three specific and distinct events have dramatically changed the way I’ve been experiencing the solo expedition so far. I have changed. I’m scared, I feel weak, I cry for nothing, I’m addicted to nightmares, I’m stressed on the road, I do not talk to strangers anymore, I feel insanely lost. Today, I suffer from PTSD.
But again, I refuse to leave Africa yet because I do not want to take any decisions while feeling this way. I do not want to regret anything and the best way to decide for the best is to rest, to rest, and to rest.
And if I could ask for some help?
Last Friday, I felt the need to talk to a specialist, because I do not want to carry this burden any longer, and I refuse it to change my spirit. On that same day, I could talk to a specialist (from France) on a video call. It was horrible. She just couldn’t get everything I’ve been through, it’s just so hard to understand for someone from Europe.
The more I was talking the more I was digging this giant gap between her and I. I ended up crying more, feeling exhausted, misunderstood, lonely, lost and…guilty. I just do not need that, I just want to get back to who I am, fearless, and independent.
Luckily, I’ve been adopted by a family of bikers (maybe it's time to get another driving license), surrounded by friends, and the kindest people.
Don’t worry, a session with a new therapist is coming soon because I will never give up. I need to face my emotions, to understand them, to dig deeper, and to breathe again.
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